profile

Vivian Quah

My Saddest Birthday Ever

Published about 2 years ago • 2 min read

Hello guys. It’s a brand new year!

I am on the bus home. It has been ages since I last took the bus. I went to town today for my belated birthday celebration with my toddler.

I had the worst birthday ever on the 31st of December, a few days ago. It was sad. I didn’t feel celebrated at all. So I got this idea yesterday that I will not just get over it. I will celebrate myself!

I bit the pricey bullet and bought several Japanese ceramics for the new house. It thrills me knowing that I can soon create a dine-in restaurant/cafe experience in my own home. Possibly even for my friends and family too, when they visit in the future!

That was my birthday gift to myself. The experience of sculpting a home.

Then there was the birthday celebration. That was today’s adventure. The Japanese ceramics shop has sold out on these adorable puffer-fish chopsticks holders. So I tried thrifting for some today, but to no avail.

I ended up embracing my identity as a mom instead. I was walking in the rain when I found this shop that sells secondhand clothes for children. They had books, toys and puzzles too. I had a good time picking out what Hannah would wear in summer (in about 6 months).

It’s my birthday but Hannah is the one getting presents haha. I got her some glass marbles, books and a puzzle. She likes working on puzzles with me.

I passed by a shop that sold yarns and knitting supplies. Last week on the blog, I explored the possibility of learning to knit. I would have to start from the beginning. I mean, I can hardly tie my shoelaces without them coming apart! But yes, I want to learn to knit. On my deathbed, I want to be able to say that I have knitted clothing for myself and my family.

A worthy to-do in my bucket list.

In the past, I used to think that a bucket list is a list of ambitions that you want to accomplish in your lifetime. I also believed that you should stop at nothing to see them through. In 2019, I wrote this list of 'Life Goals':

  1. Write a masterpiece
  2. Paint a masterpiece
  3. Cook for my grandchild
  4. Take my husband out on walks in nature
  5. Have Hannah come visit
  6. Collect thirty pieces of art
  7. Illustrate three children’s books
  8. Do a big family trip in a van
  9. Go kayaking with Bjarne
  10. Publish a recipe book

Knitting was not part of the list, just as how heartbreak on my birthday was not part of the plan. But I have come to learn that plans torment us more than we realise. We live with our grand, elaborate expectations of ourselves, instead of living in real life. Instead of being here.

I used to think that I want to write a blog post every Saturday, write a newsletter every Sunday and post a video every Monday. That doing that will make me a industrious person, worthy of respect.

Doing that for a couple of months made me realise that I have to do those things, but without clenching on. Without that intensity that causes tunnel vision. I learnt that I need habits that ground me. I need to invest my time into being and celebrating. Not to hold onto my upload schedule as if my life depended on it. It is my toddler and myself that I have to hold on to, not my work.

'Hannah had a good day', she said. 'Had a good day with Mummy', she said. 'Mummy had a good day with you too, sweetheart. Let's do that again soon'. :-)

I hope you enjoyed this week's thoughts. If you think that it will inspire someone that you know, please forward this email to them. Otherwise, I will see you next week.

'Hannah wants to play with you!', she says. 'Let's go inside', taking her new puzzle with her. 'Give me two minutes', I say.

Being, remember?

Lots of love,
Vivian

Vivian Quah

Writing, reading and being gentle with myself.

Read more from Vivian Quah
i love forests

Hi everyone, I got the keys to my new apartment a month ago. Have you ever experienced moving? It is brutal. I had absolutely no furniture prior to the move, so I spent a long time searching and accumulating things. But I knew that I only had space for the things that I truly need and enjoy using. Now I got a beautiful, functional home that is graced with wood, glass and pops of my favourite shades of blue. Deep but vibrant. I have got a one-of-a-kind dining table that could easily fit seven,...

over 1 year ago • 3 min read

Hi guys. I am writing this email from a women's shelter. It is my twelfth day here. To those of you who watched my vlogs and hoped that you might one day visit our beautiful house, you might as well forget it, because that day will never come. I have walked away from it all. Strange to say, but our room at the women's shelter - or crisis centre in Danish - has everything that I could ever ask for. I requested for the TV to be removed, so Hannah and I do not stay up all night watching TV like...

about 2 years ago • 5 min read

Hello. It is 9pm and I am sitting quietly in the living room with a glass of blueberry juice. My husband and child have gone to bed. This silence - what a treat! I don't know when was the last time I had such a tall slice of peace and serenity. I am thrilled! I have been thinking of you and this newsletter for some time now. I really wanted to drop you a message on the 1st of February, two days ago. Two extremely exciting things happened that day, even though it felt very ordinary. We...

about 2 years ago • 2 min read
Share this post